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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24058201">This Isn't the Easy Part</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/3stir/pseuds/3stir'>3stir</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Cardcaptor Sakura</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Clear Card Hen, F/M, Introspection, Syaoran worries so much, Tooth-Rotting Fluff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 18:21:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,976</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24058201</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/3stir/pseuds/3stir</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Never in her life has Kinomoto Sakura felt lonely.</i>
</p>
<p>Sakura's thoughts during the strange happenings around her, and how they'e affected the boy at her side.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kinomoto Sakura/Li Syaoran</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>63</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>This Isn't the Easy Part</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For the Feathers PDF zine! Thank you for this opportunity. Please enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p>
  <span>Never in her life has Kinomoto Sakura felt lonely. Her world is full to the brim with bright colors and soft smiles. She is surrounded by friendly neighbors and clever classmates. Her family is small, but their attention and support is always there, and her mother’s spirit is in every bouquet she passes, in every magazine on the news stand. Sakura’s world thrives on warmth and cordiality. Nothing about her is perfect— although she’s getting better in math— but there’s one feeling she cherishes that makes her day-to-day so special.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s the unnamed Sakura Card, the first one she created on the day Syaoran left for Hong Kong.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As she walks underneath the arbor of cherry blossom trees in full bloom, she knows she isn’t lonely. The petals that fall from far above her head color her world in soft pinks and bright whites. Each petal of her namesake is cradled by the last few breaths of winter wind. Each descends slowly and steadily, and they catch the light in bright flashes of warmth and movement. The world around her is alive with every rustling tree branch and snapped twig. If she concentrates hard enough, she can feel the small thrum of life that courses within everything around her with the smallest touch of magic power.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She loves it all, even if the word itself still makes her nervous. Love.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That word has taken on another meaning. It’s more acute, piercing through her like a sword through her fast-beating heart. It stings and burns and pinches and aches whenever she thinks about it. Her face flushes bright and her toes curl with excitement. It’s so different from the love she thought she knew, altogether sharp and broiling and sudden. This love is so different from the love she felt for Yukito-san, all those years ago.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She spares a shy glance toward Syaoran, watches as he silently walks beside her with a worried crease between his brows. Even if it’s just the two of them here, he’s still just as distracted as he was at the school gates. Her heartbeat stutters as she quickly looks away again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She easily remembers Syaoran’s smile. It seems so silly, to think of him as if he’s not walking right next to her, but she conjures the image instantly, regardless. She sees the way his amber eyes light up whenever he sees her. She imagines the tiny dimples in his cheeks when he laughs. She remembers how it feels to hold him close, how incredibly strong she feels whenever he’s around.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her grip on her school bag shifts. Her palms are getting sweaty despite the lingering cold.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She’s sure that Syaoran feels the same. She knows he feels stronger and steadier when she’s around. Hours upon hours of video chats late at night have let her see into his thoughts and his heart. She’s bared her soul into tiny blushes and nervous smiles, and she's seen him do the same, even though it's sometimes much harder for him. They’ve been through so much together, from catching cards as rivals to stuttering over their feelings for one another. Sakura knows his mannerisms and subtleties as well as she knows her own habits.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Slowly she offers one hand, palm up, between them. It's a subtle motion, so unlike her usual stuttering smiles and headstrong sentences. Two seconds last forever. A small gust of wind plays with the hem of her skirt and with the bangs that gently frame her face. Her fingers start to shake, more from nerves than from the cold, as her pulse starts to race and her face starts to burn with a blush.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She doesn’t realize she’s holding her breath until it’s over.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Warmth spreads like a gentle wave lapping ashore as Syaoran takes her hand. He laces their fingers together fluidly, naturally, like the intimate movement is well-practiced to the point of instinct. Sakura bites back a small smile, but she’s betrayed at the corners of her lips when she looks back at Syaoran.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is everything okay?” he asks, his voice soft and pitchy with the first tells of growing up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sakura nods and hums softly. The hand in hers adjusts a bit, applying pressure in a brief squeeze.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… I wanted to ask you the same thing, Syaoran-kun. You’ve been worried about something. And—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She cuts herself off mid-sentence as her cheeks flare red. With her free hand she reaches for the hem of her coat, but Syaoran’s fingers gently stop her. She looks up into beautiful amber irises as Syaoran steps around her, as he takes both her hands in his and holds them steady. Sakura squeezes them briefly. She channels her gratitude and affection through their joined touch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Syaoran grips her hands in return, just as fleetingly but no less affectionately, Sakura finds the resolve to march forward. “Can you tell me what’s wrong? Is there something I can do to help?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The words hang in the air between the cherry blossom petals, carried along by the wind. Sakura’s nerves perch upon a precipice, both anxious and excited in a way that churns oddly in the back of her throat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Syaoran winces a little. She sees it in the corner of his eye, the movement so small that she might have missed it if she had blinked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry for worrying you,” he says. </span>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>His gaze blinks down to their joined hands and stays there. The smile on his face is warm but self-deprecating, and Sakura can hear the same awful inflections she might have heard over the phone, late at night, when this same boy was confessing his worries and insecurity in his amazing abilities. It hurts, hearing him like that in person. Somehow, it hurts more now than it had over the phone. Hurts more strongly than it had with an ocean between them and loneliness picking at the edges of that distance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Without meaning to, she pulls their joined hands to her chest. She holds Syaoran’s hands close, right over her heart. The apology had tasted too much like loneliness, she’ll realize many years later. Maybe not for her, but certainly for the one she loves. A loneliness like that spreads too readily, too easily, sharpening the blurred edges of her thoughts that like to linger in the clouds.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please don’t apologize,” she murmurs, a little off-kilter and a little unsure. When Syaoran looks at her again, she continues, "I just want to know, if I can. I want to help. Because Syaoran-kun is…"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her breath leaves her lungs in a rush. Her throat closes around the familiar words. Even here, alone on the sidewalk on this picturesque spring day, she finds that she's too embarrassed to say the words out loud.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alone on the phone late at night is one thing, but this…?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Syaoran’s hesitance fades, always does in the wake of her courage. “I understand. I won’t say that I’m sorry, then.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A smile spreads across his lips, and it immediately takes Sakura’s breath away as he continues, “I’ve been thinking of ways I can better help you, actually. Your magic is growing stronger by the day. The Clear Cards are a testament to that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He nods briefly toward her school satchel, where they can both sense the low pulse of Sakura’s unique star-studded magic emanating from her cards. The topic makes them both a little wary, but Sakura had insisted on talking this through, and she won’t back down now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She nods and says, “You already do so much for me, by being here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His smile turns a little sharp, and a stronger gust of wind rustles his layers of brown hair into a frenzy. He pulls their joined hands toward his chest, subconsciously stepping a little closer to Sakura.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve never been good at sitting back and watching. Especially when it comes to you, Sakura, I feel drawn to action, to do anything at all that might help, even a little.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her knees feel like jello under his sincerity, under his honesty, but she stays strong. She bites her lower lip in her own little smirk, and her whole being thrums with the desire to kiss Syaoran. To press their lips together, like in the movies, softly against this headrush of warmth—</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A bush rustles somewhere behind them. The noise sticks out from the natural push and pull of cool spring breeze, and both of them instantly tense. Sakura instinctively reaches for magic, both searching and protective forms. Nothing feels out of place, but the nature around them is bright and lively with the beginnings of rebirth. All manner of plants and small animals surround them, waking and blooming with an instinctive magic that swells after the last frost fades away. It dulls her sense for unwanted magic. It leaves her on-edge when she can’t sense anything strange.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Syaoran lets go of her right hand, and she clutches at the pendant hidden beneath her blouse. They turn toward the noise together, ready to stand together against fate if they had to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They’re met with a very familiar flower-print phone case peeking out from between the leaves.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tomoyo-chan!” Sakura shouts, all of her fighting instincts leaving her breathless and flustered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dark pigtails emerge from behind the bush at the shout. Tomoyo steps fully onto the path and laughs. The sound is light and airy, as melodic and pitched as birdsong. She nods her head in apology toward them, but her phone camera hasn’t wavered and her smile hasn’t lessened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t want to disturb! The scene was just so perfect, I had to record it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Daidouji…” Syaoran breathes from Sakura’s side. He finally relaxes his guard, and his hand deftly slips away from Sakura’s hold. She wants so badly to reach back for it, to hold fast and never let go even as the burning in her chest is swiftly replaced by a terrible embarrassment, but she doesn’t.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead she remembers their conversation, remembers the way she had leaned forward a little, the way her thoughts had quieted and she had wanted nothing more than to— </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh dear.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tomoyo-chan, what did you record?” she asks, sparing a glance toward Syaoran before marching toward her best friend. Her blush only grows hotter as Tomoyo’s smile shifts into that knowing look she always seems to have when it comes to Sakura.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, it was very precious! Would you like to see?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mou, I hope it isn’t too embarrassing!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course not. You two seemed in the midst of a scene from a shoujo manga! I know just the BGM to add—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“T-Tomoyo-chan—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly Syaoran interrupts, raising his voice from the spot his feet had been glued to, “I actually need to head to the market before it gets too late out. There are some things I need to get for dinner tonight.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Both girls turn to look at him, both looking sincerely apologetic. Sakura recovers first, pulling her hands to her chest and holding her heart back from bursting out through her ribs. She smiles away the soft remorse in her green eyes, like seeing Syaoran here, healthy, happy, is an integral part of her own health, her own happiness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Love really is a strange thing, sometimes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Be safe!” Sakura says with a hesitant little wave, “I’ll see you at school tomorrow, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Syaoran hesitates, but in no time at all he’s sending her a small little wave of his own. “I’ll see you tomorrow, and I’ll text you when I’m home later, if that’s alright with you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sakura grins back, and Tomoyo’s smile grows fond. Knowing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d love that!” she shouts and reciprocates the promise with a wave, familiar and trusting. Because even in this, even with so many uncertainties and tension, Sakura knows she’s not alone. She can stave away the loneliness easily, and everything will be alright.</span>
</p>
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